At the beginning, when I started my kinky explorations I was quite obsessed with playing. I used to had a chance to play on regular but rather infrequent occasions and I wanted to make the best of it.
Coming back home unbruised was just unacceptable. And I used to be very upset and angry if people were saying there are not going to hit me harder/play any more because I look so young and tiny and they don't want to hurt me. Like the fact I was repeatedly saying I was fine meant nothing.
Fortunately I came across people who did trust me when I was saying I'm ok pretty quickly.
And I have been playing rather a lot ever since. I have been trying to count cane strokes I have received, but around year a half ago and more than 2000 strokes I gave up. Although my playing might have been infrequent it certainly WAS intense and full of new experiences.
Part of me feels played out at the moment. I don't crave playing the way I used to, I don't get crazy if no one spanked me for couple of weeks.
I still need that, it still makes me happy, relaxed and alive, but my obsession died out a bit. Or rather changed itself.
I'm finding myself more and more obsessed with watching. I think it started itself when I actually got a chance to observe people playing and realised that it's fascinating.
Ever since a certain warm May afternoon I can feel I'm more and more obsessed with HAVING to watch others.
It's not just spanking and CP. It's everything, consensual or not, kinky or vanilla, sex or not. Everything.
I have been observing HH smacking Graham once and I realised that it's the first time that I have been seeing him smacking someone, like properly observing him with paying attention to it. I could see certain facial expression I have never seen before.
Later there was that weekend, when I find myself in a roleplay that didn't work for me much and I have been observing HH smacking Emma Jane. First there was a bit of jealousy that the roleplay was working for her, but at the same time I realised that I didn't want it to work for me, that watching was enough.
I was guessing what she was feeling, and could compere my thought afterwards hearing to her memories of the scene.
Later there was that situation when I have been holding Haron's hands when Abel was strapping her. After one of the strokes he asked me whether I think she felt that and I said I don't know. I wasn;t being cruel or something, I just didn't have a clue whether she felt it or faked it.
And I would like to know THOSE things.
I really feel obsessive with watching, I'm not sure I'm actually about to do anything about it (would hate violating anyone's privacy) but the truth is, when I fantasies nowadays it's more about watching that actually participating.
I don't know where will that lead me to, but something tells me it might an interesting road. And an interesting variation :)
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Wow, I never would've guessed that was the first time you'd seen HH spanking somebody - by the way you were called over to "inspect" I assumed it was a standard task! ; )
ReplyDeleteIt's nice to find new ways of enjoying the scene... particularly ones that don't involve weeks of bruises. Happy watching!
Ok. I changed the post. I have seen him smacking girls before, but that was the first time when I was actually observing him, concentrated on what he was doing.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, when he called me to 'inspect' I was surprised myself that he trastued me in that way. And the responsability felt quite nice! :) I so regret not knowing and seeing what happened afterwards upstair...nosy me ;)
Ha, I find myself getting fascinated watching tops deal with other girls, particularly at Lowewood where I can enjoy it. When I'm in a scene with someone else I can't enjoy it cos I'm too busy feeling emapthy and terror!!
ReplyDeleteI've never played with anyone except in a limited way with Significant Others. Watching (or imagining and inventing if nothing to see) has always been my main thing. In action, I'm a top who travels within the narrow boundaries of my partner, but as a voyeur, there's a very broad and fascinating world of kink to explore. But it's more than just the possibility of a broader kinky landscape. I do love observing the characters involved in a scene (a scene I'm attracted to) and how they interact. I want to know them and their story and how the scene is affecting them. I think I'm more interested in that than me experiencing it as a top or bottom. That's why I like reading blogs like this. A kink is between the ears. Watching you is something very beautiful, but I think it's hot that you want to observe.
ReplyDeleteRoss
Emma Jane - Yeah, used to feel the same. But now it seems to be more of a fascination, until I will come a across a very pityfully sobing girl that is ;)
ReplyDeleteRoss - I think you are onto something. I never thought before that wanting to watch might allow a person to understand and see something he/she is not into. Like a book or movie, you don't specially like, but find intriguing.
Kami, I think we have the capacity or potential to like certain things, but don't know until we're exposed to them. I still have pretty hard limits of what I don't like, and when it comes to kinky stuff, I'm not really very entertained by something unless it appeals to me in that way. With a book or movie there are many ways it can be intriguing as drama, but maybe not as a turn on.
ReplyDeleteRoss
Hot post :-)
ReplyDeleteWatching girls being dealt with. Making girls watch as I deal with others.
Mmmmm...
(Pauses to fan himself).
Now, more than 2000 strokes, you reckon? I think you should count again - and then we should aim to get you to five figures ;-)
Ross - I don't want to watch to be turned on, I do want it just for that drama (or whatever one might want to call). But I suppose it works differently for everyone. You will probably find you interests (and turns on) increasing in number or at least changing over time.
ReplyDeleteAbel - Don't get too dreamy LOL
I would have probably got to five figures number if I havn't stop counting. Let me think, just your job, on only two occasions: 36 x 4 + 12 + 70... LOL (plus something I probably forgot about :P)