Feeling slavie

Yesterday Emma Jane said she wants to bully me and get into trouble for it in some roleplay. My response to that was obvious, I doubt I can be bullied, because my natural response would be to give back.

But then I stopped and thought. During my whole childhood I was never bullied, which seems to be surprising as I have always been a weird kid. The reason though I was always left alone was they were afraid I would give back and no one ever seemed to test that. Would I really give back? I used to think so, but now I'm not sure any more.

I seem to have lost my instinct to fight somehow.

Sometimes I *really* think that being a slave would be a great idea.

You don't have to have any responsibilities. No problems of real life. You don't have to go to work and earn for living. You don't have to talk to people you hate and they hate you and ask for help. You don't need to deal with the usual shit. And you can cry whenever you want.

All you have to do is be obedient and perform simple tricks.

And the rules are obvious, system of rewords and punishment so clear.

I would never thought that anything like that can sound tempting for me. I like responsibility, it used to be the reason for me to live. But recently I just so much don't want to fight any more.

Like today for example, I have been bossed around and I took it silently. Well, ok, I rebelled anyway, but I just chose not to have verbal confrontation. Not like me.

It make me think whether playing makes me so soft in real life. Whether after I have tasted what it means to have no responsibility in a roleplay I wish I could have it all the time. It just sounds so peaceful not to have to struggle through life. The whole word can be as fair as I want it to be.

I don't have to be brave or constantly in control. I don't have to think. And I cry instead of swallowing tears.

And the whole thing of pleasing Him sounds not so bad too. After all then he would protect His little slave from all the nasty word.

I'm pretty sure that those non-responsibility cravings will be soon gone and I will be usual fighting me, but in case I will be silent for some time – I'm off curing my weird new temptations.