Let's talk about sex

No, not about *having* sex. And no, nothing have changed. I'm still not interested in sex (for pleasure). To be honest I *never* even tried to have sex for pleasure. Seriously. I'm not even interested in trying. Yes, I know it's a mental disorder. Whatever ;)

I mean seriously, I'm incapable of having orgasm without pain. So how the hell can I enjoy normal vanilla sex then? Of course I would get aroused to some extend, and enjoy myself on some purely physical level. But then what? I know I wouldn't be able to go over the edge no matter how hard I/he/us might try. And there would nothing to feed my mind.

So, I'm perfectly happy to play with rape scenes, sexual abuse, punishments fuckings instead. It's all so much more...er..inspiring?

But due to my lack of interest in sex I find myself extremely delayed in 'sexual education'. Want an example? I had no idea about clit having its 'function' until I was around 17. When I had my first orgasm I didn't really know it was it. I never held or touched a cock. And I could go on like that for a while, but in case you are laughing too hard already I will stop to spare you a problem of running out of air ;)

Anyway, as you see my experience and knowledge was and is (though not as much) limited. Which again, doesn't really bother me. I know more about headspace than most people will ever learn ;).

So I suppose the title of the post should be 'let's talk about rape scene'. I'm aware that maybe not everyone reading that blog is comfortable about going into such details and topics but I have been wondering around a subject long enough.

So here it goes...

I have been talking with a friend about possible rape scene for quite a while. (Let's call him Kevin, so I will avoid those weird 'hes' and 'hims'.) First he thought I'm too new in that whole CP and BDSM world and it wouldn't be fair if he did that to me. Perhaps, but he was certainly true about one thing, none of us knew how I would react. As I could feel our relationship developing I was thinking more and more about actually doing it. And then suddenly I decided it's too disgusting for me (sorry guys, no offence).

Any body fluids exchange is off limits for me. Even kissing. When I see string of saliva between two mouths on a movie my stomach makes a somersault. When I see oral sex (doesn't matter which way) on a movie my stomach keeps making somersaults for an hour or so. Even being touched there, between my legs used to make me uneasy. When Kevin did it for the first time, so very,very briefly I had a serious battle with my conscience.

I mean, I didn't ask him to touch me there, right? It was *his* decision to touch *my* 'body fluids' not mine. Still took me a while to actually work my way around it.

But then, through all that disgust I craved feeling of being raped. I wanted to know how I would react to that. Would it be powerful? Would hurt the way I want it? Would make me feel so vulnerable and as a toy, nicely played with? Would I cry?


At that time I was still sort of a virgin, I mean, there was no hymen there, but I also haven't been fucked by a cock before. (Yes, I know, sad losing hymen not during proper sex). So, in a way my first rape scene was also my 'first time'. No, it wasn't anything mindblowing as I'm sure every girl would like to be her first one.

It didn't hurt, there was no tears, no much fear either. I was so unmoved by it that it actually was very frustrating to finally do it and feel so little emotionally. I remember feeling Kevin's cock moving in and out and thinking 'So, is that really it? Is that what people make so much fuss about? That's the reason so many couples break up? Is it really something that someone might like?' I so much wanted to be just spanked instead. Seriously, it was as empty as it could get.

Empty, until around a week later when it all sunk in. Then it all struck me. The sense of guilt, the confusion, the utter and uncontrollable desire to be used like that again, craving for it to be more violent and more painful. I needed to understand it. And there was a lot of whys to be answered.

I still don't like it. I mean the penetration itself. But I like being the girl that's used and abused. I like feeling like a whore. I like the mental state I'm in when it's happening. And the tears I can sometimes feel on my face.

As I said earlier there are different names for our 'game'.

There is a sexual abuse which happens in prison and other reformatory establishments where a guard abuses his power. It's much more of a coercion really, because the girls knows she needs to comply if she want to avoid other, unpleasant and painful punishment.

There is the punishment fucking which seems for some weird reason to be extremely powerful for me. It hurts but there is no unnecessary violence, and the girl often cries. I don't really know the reason for tears either. It might have something to do with humiliation or just a sign of resignation. I'm not sure yet.

And there is a proper rape scene, which in my opinion happens only when the girl has been kidnapped or attacked. It's violent, brutal and hurt. Never had a pleasure to try that. Still on my list, along with a long scene full of misery, fear and abuse.

And I'm sure there is much more I will in time learn to differentiate. We don't get a chance to see each other often, Kevin and me, but each time I learn so much about what my sexuality is really all about. If of course anyone might want to call *that* a sexuality LOL